HUSBAND
When I was 23, I was stationed in Sacramento during my second enlistment of the Air Force. I’d saved up my money and decided to spend it on a new car. Bill Elliott was killing the competition in Nascar that year with his new Aerobird, a supremely aerodynamically designed T bird, and I wanted one. So I started keeping my eyes peeled on the Ford lots whenever I drove around town.
I was driving past Suburban Ford when it happened. I saw an Elan elevated on a platform in front of the lot, with one of those special metallic paint jobs. I was practically drooling when I pulled over to take a look. The hood was propped open, showing off a 5 liter electronic fuel injected V8, and the inside was luxuriously decked out with everything that a Lincoln had, and more. And it had the smell of a brand new car, which is just about the finest smell in the whole world, except maybe for…
WIFE
Humph, well, I’m glad it was a couple of years before we met or I’d have been worried about competition.
HUSBAND
Yeah, well I’m glad you brought that up, because I did get the impression you didn’t like my car when you and I first met. I seem to recall you putting a good sized scratch in the side of it when I let you drive it.
WIFE
That wasn’t my fault! The car hit that post. I was trying to steer it in the other direction.
HUSBAND
So you say. And as I was saying, I found my dream car. I was gone, lock, stock and barrel. I knew I’d fallen in love.
WIFE
Which wasn’t a problem until we moved in together and that car took on a personality of it’s own.
HUSBAND
You’re exaggerating, it wasn’t that bad.
WIFE
I don’t think so. We were both sound asleep. It was the middle of the night and deathly quiet. All of a sudden, the car horn starts blasting.
Brett plays background chorus of Bad to the Bone by George Thorogood
WIFE
(dramatic) I woke up. I didn’t scream. That night I kept the scream in my throat. Just barely. I sat up in my bed, a cold puddle of moonlight caught in a lapful of sheet, and I thought…
HUSBAND
We’re not reading a Stephen King novel, WIFE, we’re trying to tell them about Christopher.
That’s the night SHE started calling the car Christopher. I thought it was a burglar, so I ran into the garage in my underwear with the baseball bat that I kept next to the bed. The car’s headlights were flashing, and the horn was blaring. There was no way anyone could’ve gotten in because the rolling door was down and the only other entry was from the house. I don’t know why it was going crazy. I couldn’t find a problem with it. I had to disconnect the battery to get it to stop.
WIFE
I don’t think it liked me moving in with you.
HUSBAND
I keep telling you, cars don’t have feelings. I mean, I get the Christine joke, but when I said I fell in love, I meant a platonic love.
WIFE
It’s not a joke. (dramatic) I don’t believe in curses, you know. Nor in ghosts or anything precisely supernatural. But I do believe that emotions and events have a certain…lingering resonance. It may be that emotions can even communicate themselves in certain circumstances, if the circumstances are peculiar enough…the way a carton of milk will take the flavour of certain strongly spiced foods if it’s left open in the refrigerator.
HUSBAND
You’re quoting Stephen King again.
WIFE
If the car fits…
HUSBAND
I admit, Christopher did give me a lot of headaches. Especially when you and I were together. It stalled in the middle of heavy traffic…
WIFE
And the windshield wipers started running even when you didn’t turn them on.
HUSBAND
Oh, yeah, and remember when we were on our way to get married? It stopped on Madison Avenue and we couldn’t get it started again.
Brett plays background chorus of Beast of Burden by The Rolling Stones
WIFE
Christopher was jealous. He didn’t want me messing up your bromance.
HUSBAND
Aw, come on, it wasn’t so bad once we were married, although I did put a lot of time and money into that car.
WIFE
True. He seemed to finally accept me, at least until we started talking about having kids. Christopher, I mean, not HUSBAND. Remember the time we were driving to the movie theater? We had a long conversation about whether or not it was the right time for a baby. I smelled smoke before we pulled into the parking lot. The car console was on fire!
Brett plays background of Harlem Nocturne by The Viscounts
HUSBAND
I remember. I was worried because the windows were up and the power window switch wouldn’t work. I yanked the car into the lot and found a parking space far away from all the other cars so we could get out.
WIFE
I remember standing there saying burn, baby, burn!
HUSBAND
Yeah, but the fire seemed to stop as soon as we got out. You know, I have to make a confession. In retrospect, I wouldn’t have been upset if Christopher had burned to the ground that night.
WIFE
That wasn’t the last time it got mad, but I’m glad we didn’t get hurt.
HUSBAND
Yeah, I hate to say this, but it was a real lemon up until the day we traded it in. I knew we had to do it, but I really didn’t want to.
WIFE
We’d found the perfect family car at a dealer about 100 miles away.
HUSBAND
I remember patting his hood and telling him: Come on, big guy. Let’s go for a ride. Let’s cruise.
WIFE
(aside to audience) huh. Look who’s quoting Stephen King now!
HUSBAND
The problem was that our long trip meant we had plenty of time to discuss the trade-in on the way.
WIFE
Christopher knew what we were going to do like a dog knows when it’s going to the pound. We were almost at the entrance to the car dealership when it happened. He died.
HUSBAND
Yep, everything stopped working. It just stopped, right on the street in front of the car dealership.
WIFE
We had to push it onto the lot. Thank goodness the car salesman didn’t care!
HUSBAND
Yeah, he still gave us a good deal on our trade. And he didn’t even ask to test drive it. (heavy sigh) It was a beautiful car.
WIFE
He was in love, all right, lock, stock and barrel. The car salesman, I mean. Thank goodness your crush was over!
HUSBAND
I think he was. Maybe he was going to buy it for himself.
WIFE
If he did, I hope it worked out better for him than it did for us. But we didn’t have time to ask him because he got a phone call just as we finished our paperwork and we left.
HUSBAND
I remember that! I wonder whatever happened to that car?
phone ringing
SALESMAN
Hello hon!…come home for dinner? Actually I was thinking of eating out. We got this hot blue Tbird in this afternoon and I’m dying to take it out for a test drive. Are you up to going to the drive-in for a hamburger?
Brett plays chorus of We Belong Together by Robert and Johnny
